Begin personal log, Thursday 12th of March, 111.
A whole year. Has it really been that long already? I still remember back when I first joined Ghost Festival all those months ago, the immense sense that I was very much straying from the beaten path - of taking my destiny into my own hands.
I was so happy when I got accepted, I packed everything I had into my Retribution - including the contingent of slaves that had been assigned to me - and headed straight for Derelik to meet my new friends. Never once have I looked back. I was so excited and naive back then, and I admit that I didn't really have a clue what I was doing! All my corp-mates had so much to teach me, and I spent most of my time simply shutting up and listening to what they had to say.
Thinking about it now, it does seem a long time ago. So much has changed since then... I've grown and learnt so much, and I'm still learning every single day. But now people look up to me, and respect me as a friend, a leader and a teacher. We have rebuilt this corp from the ground up, and I'm so proud of everything we've accomplished and the family we've built together. We have our ups and downs, the same as any corp out there, but ultimately I have this immense sense of pride for what we've done.
The awards ceremony was lovely, even if I did end up arriving late - That's the last time I use an interbus chartered transport. It was almost militaristic in a way... Everyone was so disciplined and professional. Frankly, they all put me to shame.
I knew I was going to be accepting an award for my long service, and when Myrhial pinned the medal to my dress I couldn't help saluting her. I've not done that since my time working for the Ministry of War, but I have such respect for her that it seemed like the thing to do. Then Yishal gave me something I did not expect at all... She had put the word out a while ago that she was collecting donations to buy an anniversary present for Myrhial. It seems that the donations where also used for something else as when Yishal opened the shutters of the bay so we could see stars behind the armourglass windows, a brand new Sacrilege-class heavy assault cruiser dominated the view - an anniversary gift for me. I didn't know what to say... It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! And the thought that everyone had chipped in to buy it for me...
There's a brief moment as Kimochi appears gather herself.
I feel like the luckiest woman alive to be involved with such a fine group of people.
Vince and I had dinner that evening. He really is a wonderful cook, and I had a lovely time with him - although I do find it a bit odd that he lives in the cargo hold of his Arazu. It was very nicely decorated and comfortable, but I felt the crates of antimatter ammunition clashed a little with the silk drapes.
After we ate, we danced... I don't know how he did it, but we ended up floating in the air! I didn't notice at first, and it was quite a shock when I realized I was actually several feet off of the ground! It must have been some modification he'd made to the grav plates. We danced and kissed under the projection of a night sky, and I felt my heart beating in my throat.
I spent the night with him... Nothing sexual happend, but it was a lovely night. A perfect end to the weekend.
She pauses again and has a sip of a glass of wine sitting on her desk.
And then there was the crisis in Seyllin... half a billion people dead. A whole planet destroyed. I can hardly believe it's actually happened, and I'm more than a little disturbed that the Federation scientists still don't appear to have any idea whatsoever on what might have caused it. I watched the live Scope reports as they came in... It was... horrific. I hope it doesn't happen here...
And now there are these wormholes popping up everywhere. Myrhial thinks we should investigate them, and I'm inclined to agree. We might see if we can get a task force together to do a little reconnaissance and prepare a report for the Dominations. They are going to want to know if there is anything we can make a profit from on the other side. I've heard rumours about what lies on the other side... Details are sketchy at best, but I've heard pilots rambling about monsters and drones and dead civilisations. I don't know how much truth there is in the rumours, but one thing is for sure: New Eden will never be the same again.
End log.
3/12/2009
2/22/2009
Trepidation
Begin personal log, Sunday 22nd of Feburary 111.
There is a very long pause. Kimochi's eyes appear to be slightly red and she is clearly not in a good mood.
...Yesterday was...
She stops again, apparently struggling for words. Eventually she begins talking again.
Last night I took part in the weekly training op. It was a huge success in every way... Not a single loss, and we managed four kills. First a Punisher that Milo caught at a belt. We tore his ship apart very quickly, and dispatched his pod when he refused to agree to a ransom. While we where waiting for our GCC to tick down, I noticed a Caracal had entered the system and appeared to be lingering around one of the planets. I was pretty sure I had pinpointed his location... Yishal started having some technical issues with her Crucifier so she temporarily made Myrhial the FC. On Myrhial's orders I investigated the Caracal's location, and found him floating around the planet at the 0km warp-in point.. I tackled, called for backup and opened fire, but he didn't respond at all. I can only imagine the terror on his crew's faces as their ship started to fall apart around them, while their pilot did nothing. Just for that we destroyed his pod as well.
Milo then had to dock up to deal with some technical issues of his own, and Yishal designated me as the scout. I admit I was nerveous... I've never had much faith in my ability to use the on-board scanner. After a few empty systems, I came accross a lone Vengeance who appeared to be safespotted in Roushzar. Not being able to probe out his location, Yishal suggested I antagonize some of the local Sanshas hanging around the asteroid belts to try and tempt him out of hiding. The ploy apparently worked when I noticed his location shift to the planet nearest to me. Apparently he was trying to work out which belt I was at. I decided to save him the trouble and warped to the planet myself...
As soon as I landed, the Vengeance came about and started powering towards me - clearly he was going to engage. I admit to being a little nerveous... Having flown a Vengeance myself, I know just how tough the Khanid ship's defenses can be. All nerveousness evaporated however when the pilot opened fire with pulse lasers of all things. Backup arrived and we destroyed the poor thing out of sheer pity. The pilot was not interested in a ransom, so we cracked his pod open as well. One less 24IC pilot. It seems I'm better with the on-board scanner than I thought.
Yishal decided it was time to RTB, so we made our way back home. On the way however, we spotted a lone Jaguar pilot scouring the asteroid belts in Lamaa. We all bundled in together, and I found myself laughing at the fact that he didn't immediately attempt to warp out when he saw six outlaws warping in to his belt some 30km away. His ship fell apart pretty quickly and we caught his pod which Yishal attempted to ransom... The guy seemed to take forever, and I found myself getting increasingly uncomfortable at the amount of time we where spent in the belt. When a 24IC fleet showed up in system I nearly killed the pilot myself until Yishal tightened the reins. Eventually the 24IC fleet passed through, clearly not looking for us, and Yishal finally gave the order to crack him open.
After a quick telling-off from Yishal for almost undermining her authority - She was the FC afterall, and I admit I was wrong - We headed back to base feeling immensely satisfied.
A little while lated I caught up with everyone at The Skyhook for a few drinks in celebration. We chatted about nothing in particular... Music, Hairstyles and alcohol where some of the subjects of conversation we flitted through. All of a sudden the lights dimmed low, slow music began playing and Vince asked me to dance with him.
I was... A little shocked, but to my own surprise - let alone everyone elses - I accepted, and we danced under the stars. It was... It was actually quite lovely in a way. It was like we where completely alone, just the music, the stars and eachother. I felt a bit out of place... A tight podsuit and heavy knee-high boots aren't exactly ideal dancing attire. Still... I enjoyed it. It was a perfect end to the evening.
Then he kissed me.
There is another pause as Kimochi appears to gather herself.
I don't know what came over me. When he kissed me I-I couldn't take it. I ran away and left him there on the dancefloor. I thought I was in control of all this... I thought I'd gotten over it. God-knows i'm used to manipulating people's emotions for my own gain, but I've not even tried with Vince.
Shit. What the hell is wrong with me?
She holds her head in her hands and sighs heavily.
End log.
There is a very long pause. Kimochi's eyes appear to be slightly red and she is clearly not in a good mood.
...Yesterday was...
She stops again, apparently struggling for words. Eventually she begins talking again.
Last night I took part in the weekly training op. It was a huge success in every way... Not a single loss, and we managed four kills. First a Punisher that Milo caught at a belt. We tore his ship apart very quickly, and dispatched his pod when he refused to agree to a ransom. While we where waiting for our GCC to tick down, I noticed a Caracal had entered the system and appeared to be lingering around one of the planets. I was pretty sure I had pinpointed his location... Yishal started having some technical issues with her Crucifier so she temporarily made Myrhial the FC. On Myrhial's orders I investigated the Caracal's location, and found him floating around the planet at the 0km warp-in point.. I tackled, called for backup and opened fire, but he didn't respond at all. I can only imagine the terror on his crew's faces as their ship started to fall apart around them, while their pilot did nothing. Just for that we destroyed his pod as well.
Milo then had to dock up to deal with some technical issues of his own, and Yishal designated me as the scout. I admit I was nerveous... I've never had much faith in my ability to use the on-board scanner. After a few empty systems, I came accross a lone Vengeance who appeared to be safespotted in Roushzar. Not being able to probe out his location, Yishal suggested I antagonize some of the local Sanshas hanging around the asteroid belts to try and tempt him out of hiding. The ploy apparently worked when I noticed his location shift to the planet nearest to me. Apparently he was trying to work out which belt I was at. I decided to save him the trouble and warped to the planet myself...
As soon as I landed, the Vengeance came about and started powering towards me - clearly he was going to engage. I admit to being a little nerveous... Having flown a Vengeance myself, I know just how tough the Khanid ship's defenses can be. All nerveousness evaporated however when the pilot opened fire with pulse lasers of all things. Backup arrived and we destroyed the poor thing out of sheer pity. The pilot was not interested in a ransom, so we cracked his pod open as well. One less 24IC pilot. It seems I'm better with the on-board scanner than I thought.
Yishal decided it was time to RTB, so we made our way back home. On the way however, we spotted a lone Jaguar pilot scouring the asteroid belts in Lamaa. We all bundled in together, and I found myself laughing at the fact that he didn't immediately attempt to warp out when he saw six outlaws warping in to his belt some 30km away. His ship fell apart pretty quickly and we caught his pod which Yishal attempted to ransom... The guy seemed to take forever, and I found myself getting increasingly uncomfortable at the amount of time we where spent in the belt. When a 24IC fleet showed up in system I nearly killed the pilot myself until Yishal tightened the reins. Eventually the 24IC fleet passed through, clearly not looking for us, and Yishal finally gave the order to crack him open.
After a quick telling-off from Yishal for almost undermining her authority - She was the FC afterall, and I admit I was wrong - We headed back to base feeling immensely satisfied.
A little while lated I caught up with everyone at The Skyhook for a few drinks in celebration. We chatted about nothing in particular... Music, Hairstyles and alcohol where some of the subjects of conversation we flitted through. All of a sudden the lights dimmed low, slow music began playing and Vince asked me to dance with him.
I was... A little shocked, but to my own surprise - let alone everyone elses - I accepted, and we danced under the stars. It was... It was actually quite lovely in a way. It was like we where completely alone, just the music, the stars and eachother. I felt a bit out of place... A tight podsuit and heavy knee-high boots aren't exactly ideal dancing attire. Still... I enjoyed it. It was a perfect end to the evening.
Then he kissed me.
There is another pause as Kimochi appears to gather herself.
I don't know what came over me. When he kissed me I-I couldn't take it. I ran away and left him there on the dancefloor. I thought I was in control of all this... I thought I'd gotten over it. God-knows i'm used to manipulating people's emotions for my own gain, but I've not even tried with Vince.
Shit. What the hell is wrong with me?
She holds her head in her hands and sighs heavily.
End log.
2/19/2009
Drama: Pryce Style
Begin personal log, Thursday 19th of Feburary 111.
Last night I saved Vincent Pryce's life.
He, Kelsy and I where in The Last Gate enjoying a few drinks and watching Verone molest Kyoko when he started complaining of a headache and left. I followed a little while later and found him passed out on the floor of the common room with a nasty-looking gash in his head. I couldn't get him to wake up so I dragged him to medical where they injected him with somesort of yellowish fluid.
When he eventually came around he apologized profusely for getting blood all over my dress and asked me out to dinner... How typically Gallentean is that? The man is on the brink of death and still he turns on the charm! I suspect he might not have been thinking straight... I accepted his offer anyway. I figured he probably needed some cheering up after all that.
The medics say he'll be fine, but I'm still concerned. What if he has another attack like this while in-pod? And what was that yellow fluid? I need some answers.
End log.
Last night I saved Vincent Pryce's life.
He, Kelsy and I where in The Last Gate enjoying a few drinks and watching Verone molest Kyoko when he started complaining of a headache and left. I followed a little while later and found him passed out on the floor of the common room with a nasty-looking gash in his head. I couldn't get him to wake up so I dragged him to medical where they injected him with somesort of yellowish fluid.
When he eventually came around he apologized profusely for getting blood all over my dress and asked me out to dinner... How typically Gallentean is that? The man is on the brink of death and still he turns on the charm! I suspect he might not have been thinking straight... I accepted his offer anyway. I figured he probably needed some cheering up after all that.
The medics say he'll be fine, but I'm still concerned. What if he has another attack like this while in-pod? And what was that yellow fluid? I need some answers.
End log.
2/03/2009
Progress
Begin personal log, Tuesday 3rd of Febuary, 111.
My new Dockmaster started work a couple of days ago, courtesy of Vincent Pryce: a woman named Jaqueline... She likes to be called 'Jack' apparently. She's every bit as rough around the edges as Jarred was, and the rest of my staff seem to like her well enough. Strangely though, I've not actually seen that much of her... I suspect she heard the rumours about what happend to my last Dockmaster and is avoiding me. Regardless, my ships are well maintained and general hangar operations are at peak efficiency at the moment so she must be doing something right.
I've run out of sedatives, and I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand it's nice to be able to actually get a full night's sleep again, but on the other I really can't stand sticking a needle into my wrist every night. I still have these weird headaches, and... Well, I still do feel the urge to Crash still. But I've resisted the temptation by pouring myself into my work to try and take my mind off of it.
On that note, the deal with our new ship supplier appears be a success as we are now recieving a good stream of ships and equipment to help our cause. I've also recently come into contact with an old friend of mine who offered his services to help ease our current logistical problems. And as result, I am now the owner of a brand new Pilgrim-class Recon cruiser - Wraith. She's currently in drydock being refitted to my specifications by the maintainance team. As beautiful as she is, I admit I'm quite nerveous at the prospect of flying her... I've never really flown anything quite like a Pilgrim, and while I've researched it's capabilities and developed appropriate tactics, actually putting that knowledge into practise could be quite difficult. The last thing I want to do is undock and immediately get it blown up, like with that Crusader... Also, I don't really trust myself with it at the moment. Not until I've got my head straight again.
There is a slight pause as Kimochi drops two fizzing headache tablets into a glass of water and gulps it down thirstily.
I took my Vengeance out for another spin earlier, and that mysterious vibration seems to have gone... I did ask the maintainence staff what they'd done to fix it, but they swear they've not touched it since last week. Someone must have done something, things like that don't just fix themselves - and there was definately a vibration there before.
Another pause.
...Definately. Wasn't there?
...
End log.
My new Dockmaster started work a couple of days ago, courtesy of Vincent Pryce: a woman named Jaqueline... She likes to be called 'Jack' apparently. She's every bit as rough around the edges as Jarred was, and the rest of my staff seem to like her well enough. Strangely though, I've not actually seen that much of her... I suspect she heard the rumours about what happend to my last Dockmaster and is avoiding me. Regardless, my ships are well maintained and general hangar operations are at peak efficiency at the moment so she must be doing something right.
I've run out of sedatives, and I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand it's nice to be able to actually get a full night's sleep again, but on the other I really can't stand sticking a needle into my wrist every night. I still have these weird headaches, and... Well, I still do feel the urge to Crash still. But I've resisted the temptation by pouring myself into my work to try and take my mind off of it.
On that note, the deal with our new ship supplier appears be a success as we are now recieving a good stream of ships and equipment to help our cause. I've also recently come into contact with an old friend of mine who offered his services to help ease our current logistical problems. And as result, I am now the owner of a brand new Pilgrim-class Recon cruiser - Wraith. She's currently in drydock being refitted to my specifications by the maintainance team. As beautiful as she is, I admit I'm quite nerveous at the prospect of flying her... I've never really flown anything quite like a Pilgrim, and while I've researched it's capabilities and developed appropriate tactics, actually putting that knowledge into practise could be quite difficult. The last thing I want to do is undock and immediately get it blown up, like with that Crusader... Also, I don't really trust myself with it at the moment. Not until I've got my head straight again.
There is a slight pause as Kimochi drops two fizzing headache tablets into a glass of water and gulps it down thirstily.
I took my Vengeance out for another spin earlier, and that mysterious vibration seems to have gone... I did ask the maintainence staff what they'd done to fix it, but they swear they've not touched it since last week. Someone must have done something, things like that don't just fix themselves - and there was definately a vibration there before.
Another pause.
...Definately. Wasn't there?
...
End log.
1/30/2009
Realization
Begin personal log, Friday 30th of January, 111.
I'm losing my edge. I've lost two ships in as many days... First a Punisher then yesterday a Crusader, and my team mates have lost ships as well. I'm beginning to genuinely wonder if i'm fit for duty, I keep making stupid mistakes that cost my and my team mates their ships... I suppose it's just fortunate that we are only sticking to frigate-sized hulls at the moment, so we don't have to worry so much about replacing crew members.
Yishal spoke to me about my 'problem' the other night. She knows everything... She even has surveillance footage of the event in The Last Gate. I really do have no idea how she got hold of that, Verone's security is nothing short of impenetrable as far as I am aware. Rumours are apparently floating around the station about a 'mad capsuleer' who blows people's heads off just for fun. If people are going to gossip they should at least get the facts right... I shot Jarred in the chest, not in the head. And I certainly did not enjoy it.
She basically said that she doesn't trust me in my current state, and accused me of being a coward for using boosters. That hurt and if she where anyone else I would have probably thrown her out, but as much as I hate to admit it, she's right... If I can't keep my personal life in order, how am I supposed to manage during combat?
A pause for a good minute or so.
There is something about Yishal... She's been with us for less than a month, but I already respect her as an equal. Her combat prowess speaks for itself, but on a personal level there is something I kind of connect with. She's the quintessential Khanid, really... Beautiful, intelligent and utterly completely relentless in everything she does. Everything I aspire to be.
Another pause as realization dawns.
It's strange. I've rejected my own heritage, but I still aspire to the things that makes it what it is.
She laughs softly at the irony before continuing off on another tangent.
She gave me some sedatives that block out the REM portion of my sleep cycle. They have helped... I did actually use them last night after wussing out on Wednesday, and I did manage a full night's sleep - completely dreamless. I feel better, but I'm still so tired... I'm just so drained of energy right now, I barely have enough to move around. I feel terrible still, and I now have the mother of all migranes. But i've not broken anything yet. I don't think I can face jacking in to my capsule today... Maybe I'll just catch up on some paperwork.
End log.
I'm losing my edge. I've lost two ships in as many days... First a Punisher then yesterday a Crusader, and my team mates have lost ships as well. I'm beginning to genuinely wonder if i'm fit for duty, I keep making stupid mistakes that cost my and my team mates their ships... I suppose it's just fortunate that we are only sticking to frigate-sized hulls at the moment, so we don't have to worry so much about replacing crew members.
Yishal spoke to me about my 'problem' the other night. She knows everything... She even has surveillance footage of the event in The Last Gate. I really do have no idea how she got hold of that, Verone's security is nothing short of impenetrable as far as I am aware. Rumours are apparently floating around the station about a 'mad capsuleer' who blows people's heads off just for fun. If people are going to gossip they should at least get the facts right... I shot Jarred in the chest, not in the head. And I certainly did not enjoy it.
She basically said that she doesn't trust me in my current state, and accused me of being a coward for using boosters. That hurt and if she where anyone else I would have probably thrown her out, but as much as I hate to admit it, she's right... If I can't keep my personal life in order, how am I supposed to manage during combat?
A pause for a good minute or so.
There is something about Yishal... She's been with us for less than a month, but I already respect her as an equal. Her combat prowess speaks for itself, but on a personal level there is something I kind of connect with. She's the quintessential Khanid, really... Beautiful, intelligent and utterly completely relentless in everything she does. Everything I aspire to be.
Another pause as realization dawns.
It's strange. I've rejected my own heritage, but I still aspire to the things that makes it what it is.
She laughs softly at the irony before continuing off on another tangent.
She gave me some sedatives that block out the REM portion of my sleep cycle. They have helped... I did actually use them last night after wussing out on Wednesday, and I did manage a full night's sleep - completely dreamless. I feel better, but I'm still so tired... I'm just so drained of energy right now, I barely have enough to move around. I feel terrible still, and I now have the mother of all migranes. But i've not broken anything yet. I don't think I can face jacking in to my capsule today... Maybe I'll just catch up on some paperwork.
End log.
1/26/2009
Withdrawal
Begin personal log, Monday 26th of January, 111.
I killed a man today... Shot him in the chest with my 'ceremonial' laser pistol. I wouldn't mind so much - I've killed thousands of people before, albeit from within the safety of my capsule - but he was one of my own people. Dockmaster Jarred Kine to be precise.
I don't know what came over me. I'd just come back from exploring the Tzvi system in my Vengeance... I'd felt some weird vibrations from the port stabilizer again. When I docked I told him to get it fixed, to which he replied that "there should be nothing wrong with it". The next thing I knew, he was lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood with a fist-sized hole where his chest used to be.
There was no need for me to kill him. He was just doing his job, but I just felt so... angry that he had the nerve to disagree with me that my ship needed to be repaired. After all, I am the one who flies it, I should know better than anyone when something is wrong. But there was still no need for me to kill him. Why did I do that?
She pinches the bridge of her nose and closes her eyes for a moment.
I recieved an apology from Ethan Verone the other day for a comment he made in the IGS. I suppose I should feel privilaged, but all I feel at the moment is this... This hollowness inside me. The only real emotion I seem to be capable of feeling right now is utter blinding rage for absolutely no reason. I try to keep it in check around my peers... They don't need to know. Fortunately all that time hiding my true self back in the Ministry of War has given me an excellent poker face.
...I've not boosted since that night in The Last Gate. I really really feel the need to... Maybe just one, to calm my nerves a bit...
End Log.
I killed a man today... Shot him in the chest with my 'ceremonial' laser pistol. I wouldn't mind so much - I've killed thousands of people before, albeit from within the safety of my capsule - but he was one of my own people. Dockmaster Jarred Kine to be precise.
I don't know what came over me. I'd just come back from exploring the Tzvi system in my Vengeance... I'd felt some weird vibrations from the port stabilizer again. When I docked I told him to get it fixed, to which he replied that "there should be nothing wrong with it". The next thing I knew, he was lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood with a fist-sized hole where his chest used to be.
There was no need for me to kill him. He was just doing his job, but I just felt so... angry that he had the nerve to disagree with me that my ship needed to be repaired. After all, I am the one who flies it, I should know better than anyone when something is wrong. But there was still no need for me to kill him. Why did I do that?
She pinches the bridge of her nose and closes her eyes for a moment.
I recieved an apology from Ethan Verone the other day for a comment he made in the IGS. I suppose I should feel privilaged, but all I feel at the moment is this... This hollowness inside me. The only real emotion I seem to be capable of feeling right now is utter blinding rage for absolutely no reason. I try to keep it in check around my peers... They don't need to know. Fortunately all that time hiding my true self back in the Ministry of War has given me an excellent poker face.
...I've not boosted since that night in The Last Gate. I really really feel the need to... Maybe just one, to calm my nerves a bit...
End Log.
1/24/2009
Embarrassment
Begin personal log, 24th of January, 111.
I'd not left my quarters now for almost a week... I finally managed to venture outside this evening to conduct some business with Yishal and Athas, but I still don't feel comfortable showing my face anywhere too public though... Not after last Saturday.
I honestly had no idea it had gotten that bad. And I still can't believe what happened... It's almost as if it wasn't really me, as if someone else was wearing my skin that night. I can still feel that needle in my chest...
She shudders at the thought
I owe Ethan Verone... His doctor saved my life. I suppose it's ironic that it's entirely possible that Ethan himself or a member of his organization could well be responsible for taking it away in the not too distant future.
I did think about exploring the station today, as i've spent most of my time in my quarters since the move... But I just... I can't bear the thought of being seen in public right now.
She sighs
End log.
I'd not left my quarters now for almost a week... I finally managed to venture outside this evening to conduct some business with Yishal and Athas, but I still don't feel comfortable showing my face anywhere too public though... Not after last Saturday.
I honestly had no idea it had gotten that bad. And I still can't believe what happened... It's almost as if it wasn't really me, as if someone else was wearing my skin that night. I can still feel that needle in my chest...
She shudders at the thought
I owe Ethan Verone... His doctor saved my life. I suppose it's ironic that it's entirely possible that Ethan himself or a member of his organization could well be responsible for taking it away in the not too distant future.
I did think about exploring the station today, as i've spent most of my time in my quarters since the move... But I just... I can't bear the thought of being seen in public right now.
She sighs
End log.
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