Realization

Begin personal log, Friday 30th of January, 111.

I'm losing my edge. I've lost two ships in as many days... First a Punisher then yesterday a Crusader, and my team mates have lost ships as well. I'm beginning to genuinely wonder if i'm fit for duty, I keep making stupid mistakes that cost my and my team mates their ships... I suppose it's just fortunate that we are only sticking to frigate-sized hulls at the moment, so we don't have to worry so much about replacing crew members.

Yishal spoke to me about my 'problem' the other night. She knows everything... She even has surveillance footage of the event in The Last Gate. I really do have no idea how she got hold of that, Verone's security is nothing short of impenetrable as far as I am aware. Rumours are apparently floating around the station about a 'mad capsuleer' who blows people's heads off just for fun. If people are going to gossip they should at least get the facts right... I shot Jarred in the chest, not in the head. And I certainly did not enjoy it.

She basically said that she doesn't trust me in my current state, and accused me of being a coward for using boosters. That hurt and if she where anyone else I would have probably thrown her out, but as much as I hate to admit it, she's right... If I can't keep my personal life in order, how am I supposed to manage during combat?

A pause for a good minute or so.

There is something about Yishal... She's been with us for less than a month, but I already respect her as an equal. Her combat prowess speaks for itself, but on a personal level there is something I kind of connect with. She's the quintessential Khanid, really... Beautiful, intelligent and utterly completely relentless in everything she does. Everything I aspire to be.

Another pause as realization dawns.

It's strange. I've rejected my own heritage, but I still aspire to the things that makes it what it is.

She laughs softly at the irony before continuing off on another tangent.

She gave me some sedatives that block out the REM portion of my sleep cycle. They have helped... I did actually use them last night after wussing out on Wednesday, and I did manage a full night's sleep - completely dreamless. I feel better, but I'm still so tired... I'm just so drained of energy right now, I barely have enough to move around. I feel terrible still, and I now have the mother of all migranes. But i've not broken anything yet. I don't think I can face jacking in to my capsule today... Maybe I'll just catch up on some paperwork.

End log.