Begin personal log, Friday 30th of January, 111.
I'm losing my edge. I've lost two ships in as many days... First a Punisher then yesterday a Crusader, and my team mates have lost ships as well. I'm beginning to genuinely wonder if i'm fit for duty, I keep making stupid mistakes that cost my and my team mates their ships... I suppose it's just fortunate that we are only sticking to frigate-sized hulls at the moment, so we don't have to worry so much about replacing crew members.
Yishal spoke to me about my 'problem' the other night. She knows everything... She even has surveillance footage of the event in The Last Gate. I really do have no idea how she got hold of that, Verone's security is nothing short of impenetrable as far as I am aware. Rumours are apparently floating around the station about a 'mad capsuleer' who blows people's heads off just for fun. If people are going to gossip they should at least get the facts right... I shot Jarred in the chest, not in the head. And I certainly did not enjoy it.
She basically said that she doesn't trust me in my current state, and accused me of being a coward for using boosters. That hurt and if she where anyone else I would have probably thrown her out, but as much as I hate to admit it, she's right... If I can't keep my personal life in order, how am I supposed to manage during combat?
A pause for a good minute or so.
There is something about Yishal... She's been with us for less than a month, but I already respect her as an equal. Her combat prowess speaks for itself, but on a personal level there is something I kind of connect with. She's the quintessential Khanid, really... Beautiful, intelligent and utterly completely relentless in everything she does. Everything I aspire to be.
Another pause as realization dawns.
It's strange. I've rejected my own heritage, but I still aspire to the things that makes it what it is.
She laughs softly at the irony before continuing off on another tangent.
She gave me some sedatives that block out the REM portion of my sleep cycle. They have helped... I did actually use them last night after wussing out on Wednesday, and I did manage a full night's sleep - completely dreamless. I feel better, but I'm still so tired... I'm just so drained of energy right now, I barely have enough to move around. I feel terrible still, and I now have the mother of all migranes. But i've not broken anything yet. I don't think I can face jacking in to my capsule today... Maybe I'll just catch up on some paperwork.
End log.
1/30/2009
1/26/2009
Withdrawal
Begin personal log, Monday 26th of January, 111.
I killed a man today... Shot him in the chest with my 'ceremonial' laser pistol. I wouldn't mind so much - I've killed thousands of people before, albeit from within the safety of my capsule - but he was one of my own people. Dockmaster Jarred Kine to be precise.
I don't know what came over me. I'd just come back from exploring the Tzvi system in my Vengeance... I'd felt some weird vibrations from the port stabilizer again. When I docked I told him to get it fixed, to which he replied that "there should be nothing wrong with it". The next thing I knew, he was lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood with a fist-sized hole where his chest used to be.
There was no need for me to kill him. He was just doing his job, but I just felt so... angry that he had the nerve to disagree with me that my ship needed to be repaired. After all, I am the one who flies it, I should know better than anyone when something is wrong. But there was still no need for me to kill him. Why did I do that?
She pinches the bridge of her nose and closes her eyes for a moment.
I recieved an apology from Ethan Verone the other day for a comment he made in the IGS. I suppose I should feel privilaged, but all I feel at the moment is this... This hollowness inside me. The only real emotion I seem to be capable of feeling right now is utter blinding rage for absolutely no reason. I try to keep it in check around my peers... They don't need to know. Fortunately all that time hiding my true self back in the Ministry of War has given me an excellent poker face.
...I've not boosted since that night in The Last Gate. I really really feel the need to... Maybe just one, to calm my nerves a bit...
End Log.
I killed a man today... Shot him in the chest with my 'ceremonial' laser pistol. I wouldn't mind so much - I've killed thousands of people before, albeit from within the safety of my capsule - but he was one of my own people. Dockmaster Jarred Kine to be precise.
I don't know what came over me. I'd just come back from exploring the Tzvi system in my Vengeance... I'd felt some weird vibrations from the port stabilizer again. When I docked I told him to get it fixed, to which he replied that "there should be nothing wrong with it". The next thing I knew, he was lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood with a fist-sized hole where his chest used to be.
There was no need for me to kill him. He was just doing his job, but I just felt so... angry that he had the nerve to disagree with me that my ship needed to be repaired. After all, I am the one who flies it, I should know better than anyone when something is wrong. But there was still no need for me to kill him. Why did I do that?
She pinches the bridge of her nose and closes her eyes for a moment.
I recieved an apology from Ethan Verone the other day for a comment he made in the IGS. I suppose I should feel privilaged, but all I feel at the moment is this... This hollowness inside me. The only real emotion I seem to be capable of feeling right now is utter blinding rage for absolutely no reason. I try to keep it in check around my peers... They don't need to know. Fortunately all that time hiding my true self back in the Ministry of War has given me an excellent poker face.
...I've not boosted since that night in The Last Gate. I really really feel the need to... Maybe just one, to calm my nerves a bit...
End Log.
1/24/2009
Embarrassment
Begin personal log, 24th of January, 111.
I'd not left my quarters now for almost a week... I finally managed to venture outside this evening to conduct some business with Yishal and Athas, but I still don't feel comfortable showing my face anywhere too public though... Not after last Saturday.
I honestly had no idea it had gotten that bad. And I still can't believe what happened... It's almost as if it wasn't really me, as if someone else was wearing my skin that night. I can still feel that needle in my chest...
She shudders at the thought
I owe Ethan Verone... His doctor saved my life. I suppose it's ironic that it's entirely possible that Ethan himself or a member of his organization could well be responsible for taking it away in the not too distant future.
I did think about exploring the station today, as i've spent most of my time in my quarters since the move... But I just... I can't bear the thought of being seen in public right now.
She sighs
End log.
I'd not left my quarters now for almost a week... I finally managed to venture outside this evening to conduct some business with Yishal and Athas, but I still don't feel comfortable showing my face anywhere too public though... Not after last Saturday.
I honestly had no idea it had gotten that bad. And I still can't believe what happened... It's almost as if it wasn't really me, as if someone else was wearing my skin that night. I can still feel that needle in my chest...
She shudders at the thought
I owe Ethan Verone... His doctor saved my life. I suppose it's ironic that it's entirely possible that Ethan himself or a member of his organization could well be responsible for taking it away in the not too distant future.
I did think about exploring the station today, as i've spent most of my time in my quarters since the move... But I just... I can't bear the thought of being seen in public right now.
She sighs
End log.
1/09/2009
Setbacks
Begin log, January 9th, 111.
I spoke to Aria about my plan recently. She got back to me a couple of days later with a less than satisfactory answer. It's not her fault of course... The Dominations are almost as distant to us as to everyone else. But it's still something of a setback.
It seems as though the Cartel is redirecting it's resources to deal with this Angel "Splinter Group" that popped up last week. It now means that I have to put my plan on hold either until the Dominations decide to free up some resources - and give me access to them - or I find an alternative.
Sigh.
Funding isn't the problem... I can pay for all this. It's just finding someone with the expertise I need and a willingness to get their hands dirty. It's safe to say that this well outstrips my own technical ability, so I have no chance of attempting to do it myself. Aria did suggest maybe trying a private agent, but I wouldn't even know where to begin looking. I did try contacting Rakiro, but he's been more difficult to get hold of than usual...
Come to think of it, I've not heard from him in a long time. He was working for Aliastra last I heard, and was taking steps to join PRELI. I do hope he's alright...
In other news, I agreed to visit Paradise this evening with Kelsy, Kleoptoleme and his wife: Sophie Starsparrow. According to 'Leme I had a massive argument with Sophie a while ago, but I don't really remember... I must have been drunk or something. Either way, I could do with the break...
I haven't slept for about three days and i'm having to use boosters, just to keep from collapsing on the spot. Maybe I should try and get some sleep so I look at least reasonable for this evening... But there is so much to do. These last few days have been extremely profitable for me, and things are starting to come together... But there is still so much planning and organization to do. I had no idea it would require quite so much work! I have a list of things to do and people to chase up as long as my arm... Maybe I should hire someone to make all these arrangements for me and just manage things from the sidelines. And I still need a location... As much as I love Derelik, the region is far too poor for what I have in mind. Somewhere in Caldari or Gallente space would be perfect, but i'm not exactly welcome in highsec anymore.
Another sigh, followed by a yawn.
It's pointless... I need to sleep. End log.
I spoke to Aria about my plan recently. She got back to me a couple of days later with a less than satisfactory answer. It's not her fault of course... The Dominations are almost as distant to us as to everyone else. But it's still something of a setback.
It seems as though the Cartel is redirecting it's resources to deal with this Angel "Splinter Group" that popped up last week. It now means that I have to put my plan on hold either until the Dominations decide to free up some resources - and give me access to them - or I find an alternative.
Sigh.
Funding isn't the problem... I can pay for all this. It's just finding someone with the expertise I need and a willingness to get their hands dirty. It's safe to say that this well outstrips my own technical ability, so I have no chance of attempting to do it myself. Aria did suggest maybe trying a private agent, but I wouldn't even know where to begin looking. I did try contacting Rakiro, but he's been more difficult to get hold of than usual...
Come to think of it, I've not heard from him in a long time. He was working for Aliastra last I heard, and was taking steps to join PRELI. I do hope he's alright...
In other news, I agreed to visit Paradise this evening with Kelsy, Kleoptoleme and his wife: Sophie Starsparrow. According to 'Leme I had a massive argument with Sophie a while ago, but I don't really remember... I must have been drunk or something. Either way, I could do with the break...
I haven't slept for about three days and i'm having to use boosters, just to keep from collapsing on the spot. Maybe I should try and get some sleep so I look at least reasonable for this evening... But there is so much to do. These last few days have been extremely profitable for me, and things are starting to come together... But there is still so much planning and organization to do. I had no idea it would require quite so much work! I have a list of things to do and people to chase up as long as my arm... Maybe I should hire someone to make all these arrangements for me and just manage things from the sidelines. And I still need a location... As much as I love Derelik, the region is far too poor for what I have in mind. Somewhere in Caldari or Gallente space would be perfect, but i'm not exactly welcome in highsec anymore.
Another sigh, followed by a yawn.
It's pointless... I need to sleep. End log.
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